Takeaway: Moms who decide not to sleep train struggle with the judgment of choosing to cosleep. The fear of being shamed or reported for bedsharing keeps many moms from telling the truth at their pediatrician and therapy appointments. Maternal mental health expert and therapist Dr. Julie Franks speaks to the fears around being honest about bedsharing or cosleeping + what to do if a therapist or medical provider doesn’t support your approach to baby sleep.

So you decided not to sleep train. Or you tried it and it didn’t work. I get it. I’ve been there. And I’m about to get personal about it.

When I was pregnant, I thought a lot about baby sleep. I read books that taught different versions of sleep training, I followed social accounts that made me believe that my son would sleep through the night if I followed their instructions, and I set up the bassinet in our bedroom with confidence that it would work, and I’d be one of those well-rested mothers we aspire to be.. I’d heard about bedsharing and cosleeping, but at the time I thought it was a hippie dippie approach that wasn’t for me, and I didn’t think I knew anyone who was bed sharing.

Fast forward to the four-month sleep progression and my son no longer slept unless he was on my chest, in my arms, or in the Ergo. Nothing else worked, and we tried it all. One exhausted night, I held him on my chest while I watched my husband snore next me, and I tried to stay awake. Only I fell asleep, and I woke up 6 hours later with my baby sound asleep on my chest. After a moment of panic about falling asleep, I smiled. It was the most sleep I’d gotten in months, and my son was happy. In that moment I decided to bed share.

Addressing Fears about Cosleeping

I decided to write this post after going on a local online parenting page and seeing a long thread about a mom who was afraid to tell her therapist that she abandoned sleep training and started bedsharing. The comments completely alarmed me, and they shared a (completely incorrect) message: that the therapist was going to turn the mother in to child protective services and that the mother risked losing custody of her children if she was honest. It’s really important for you to know that you are not going to lose custody of your kids for safely bed sharing, and a good therapist is not going to report you to the authorities for safely cosleeping. Let’s dive into the details about this important topic.

Sleep Training Seems Like the Norm

Sleep training seems like the norm because it is the dominant perspective in the United States even though other Western nations like the United Kingdom teach safe bedsharing to new mothers. As a result, many medical providers are not trained in educating women about safe cosleeping and don’t realize that it’s a common practice. This leads to spreading fear about health complications and the myth that you can lose custody of your kids for safe bedsharing.

In Reality, Many Families Choose to Cosleep, at Least Sometimes

Statistics about bedsharing in Western cultures are difficult to come by because it is not the cultural norm. In places like Japan and Korea, that women have told me that there is not even a word in their language for cosleeping; it’s literally just referred to as sleeping. But in the United States, the terms cosleeping and bedsharing are used synonymously to describe the way a child sleeps in bed with the parents for all or some of the night. So what to do the statistics say?

A 2021 study from the National Institutes of Health found that over 20% of children bedshare with parents regularly while more than one-third (36%) sleep in bed with the parents sometimes. A 2013 study found that approximately 13% of caregivers in the United States self-reported at least occasional bed sharing and a longitudinal study of Swiss families found that 44% of families bed share, with the peak age for bedsharing being when the child is 4 years old.

As a therapist for moms and mom myself, I’ve found that the most women bedshare with their child, at least sometimes. I usually only learn that a family is cosleeping when I tell a mom that I did this as a way to get more sleep & feel less anxious overnight. Once I show that I will support a family with cosleeping, the floodgates open and it becomes a regular part of our work together. If it’s taught me anything, it’s that women need an outlet to talk about this part of motherhood.

The Power of Education

Educating women on how to cosleep as safely as possible has become a part of my clinical practice and education for new moms, although I support moms who are interested in sleep training, too. No matter which route a family plans to go, I encourage moms to learn about safely bedsharing because it can happen unexpectedly, like it did for me.

My go-to resource for safe cosleeping is a Sacramento parent-educator, Tiffany Belanger, who gave me the confidence to learn to safely bedshare after I had my “aha moment” and realized that sleep training wasn’t for me. Her company Cosleepy taught me that bedsharing is so much more than the Safe Sleep 7 and her guides walk you through everything you need to know. And for mamas who are struggling with the judgment around cosleeping, Tiffany’s Instagram community is a truly supportive place to be.

I believe that all moms deserve an education in bedsharing just as they receive education in safe crib sleeping. The power of education means that moms allow to make a truly informed decision.

Consider Telling Your Therapist the Truth

Therapy for moms is focused on supporting mom’s mental health from a nuanced perspective that acknowledges the way the hard parts of motherhood impact mental health. Judgment about parenting choices and guilt about not living up to the harsh expectations we place on ourselves in early motherhood top the list of common struggles moms face.

For a therapist to truly help, she needs to understand what motherhood is like for you. Talking honestly about your parenting choices and the way these choices impact your thoughts, feelings, and emotions is important, especially when you’re doing something that the dominant parenting narratives don’t support.

When I read the threads that encouraged moms to lie to their therapist out of fear of being reported to child services, I was heartbroken. I wondered if the moms I hadn’t yet talked to about infant sleep felt afraid of my response or if they worried that I, too, was judging them. And that’s why I knew I needed to write this blog post.

Bedsharing Moms Often Describe “Feeling Like a Failure”

It’s easy to feel like a failure when you believe that every other parent out there has a child who is a unicorn sleeper and you don’t. I’m going to let you in on a trade secret: they don’t. Many parents who sleep train are sleep training over and over again, or they find that sleep training works for a little while and then stops working.

It’s also easy to feel like a failure when you believe that sleep training and infant or toddler sleep is easy and then it is harder than you expected. This was the case for me. Because I nearly memorized the sleep training protocols, used them, and didn’t have success, I thought I had failed. It was only after diving into the research and education around bedsharing that I understood that my experience was normal.

The Secrecy Around Bedsharing Leads to Shame

You may be experiencing shame if you choose not to talk about cosleeping because you feel like you’ve failed, are worried about the judgments of others, or believe you are a bad parent because you are choosing to cosleep. Those feelings can spiral and lead to postpartum anxiety, postpartum depression, and other mental health struggles, so it’s important to address shame when you notice that it’s impacting you.

Telling Your Story is a Pathway to Healing

One of the ways to overcome shame is to share the story you’re hiding with an empathic, safe, and supportive listener. It’s ideal if that person can normalize your experience and say, “me too”. You have the intuition to decide which people are safe to share with and which people are not. Use that intuition and find someone you can trust to talk to about your experience; it helps.

I’m going to say this again: PLEASE don’t let rumors about your therapist turning you in to child protective services stop you from telling your therapist that you bedshare, especially if she’s a mental health therapist for moms. She gets it and she hears it all the time. She wants to support you in this part of your motherhood journey, just like she does with all the rest.

What to Do if Your Therapist or Pediatrician Judges You for Cosleeping

If you tell your therapist, pediatrician, or any other medical provider that you’re bed sharing and feel that their response is shaming, uninformed, or unsupportive, it is a red flag. Even if your medical provider disagrees with a choice you’ve made, their response should always be informed by the evidence. And they should always approach you with dignity, worth, and compassion.

If your provider is not treating you in the way you deserve to be treated, from a medical and emotional standpoint, it’s okay to search for a new provider. Here’s what you do:

Search for a new pediatrician or therapist schedule a new patient appointment. After scheduling this appointment, call or email to cancel your next appointment with your current provider. In most cases, I recommend finding a new provider before switching so that you avoid a gap in medical care. Whether you share why you chose to cancel is up to you, and it’s not required. It’s okay to simply state, “I’ve chosen to transfer care to a new provider.”

Remember that YOU are in charge of your medical care. You deserve to be treated with respect.

Therapy Can Help You Cope with the Judgment around Baby Sleep & Other Challenges in Early Motherhood

Still struggling with judgment about not sleep training? Or your choice to support your child by cosleeping?

Therapy can help you make sense of the judgment and deal with the way these judgments impact you. You’ll leave our sessions feeling heard, understood, and supported. I’ll teach you tangible coping strategies that are tailored to your needs and lifestyle so you can feel confident in the choices you’re making as a mom.

I’m a therapist for moms in Washington State who gets it, and I’d be honored to support you. Reach out today and schedule your free intro session!