Breaking the Stigma: How Therapy Supports Pregnant and Postpartum Women
Takeaway: Women need and deserve support through the highs and lows of trying to conceive, pregnancy, and during the postpartum period (which lasts at least 2 years), yet many women go without this mental health support because it feels taboo. Learn about the stigma behind therapy for moms + the ways therapy can help you build confidence, reduce struggles like postpartum depression or anxiety, and find your groove in motherhood.
Motherhood is supposed to be bliss, right? Wrong. At least for every mother I’ve met. And for mother’s I haven’t met, too. I recently watched a few episodes of the Kardashians, and it taught me that even money can’t fix the struggles and anxieties we feel about our children. These worries impact all mothers, everywhere, in all circumstances.
Yes, motherhood is joyful. Fulfilling. Wonderful. The best thing ever.
And in the same breath you can also describe motherhood with adjectives that are less attractive. Grueling. Exhausting. The hardest thing you’ve ever done. The job that never ends. And the list goes on and on.
The question is, do you feel like you can talk about the hard moments you face openly? Anywhere? With anyone? For many women, the answer is a resounding “no” that both leaves new moms unprepared for the demands they’ll face + prevents women from seeking supports such as therapy when their transition into motherhood is harder than they thought it would be.
Mainstream Social Narratives Around Motherhood Hurts New Moms.
It often takes becoming pregnant and having a baby to learn that the stories you’ve always been told about becoming a mother left out important messages about the physical, emotional, and spiritual challenges of motherhood, leaving you woefully unprepared. Instead, you heard about the highlights of previous generations; the very best emotions, experiences, and memories.
The Misleading Trope of a “Good Mother” (According to Western Social Norms)
I’ll do my best to describe the trope of a “good mother,” although it’s a narrative you likely know well. But first, let me preface this by saying that she’s impossible to recreate - she’s simply not human - and that you should in no way ever try to recreate this. I
Here’s the trope: A “good mother” is a woman who easily gets pregnant, enjoys her pregnancy, and looks absolutely beautiful the entire time. Once the baby comes, she somehow does it all without asking for help, sacrifices her wellbeing without being impacted, and makes it look easy. All of the mainstream parenting advice out there works for her, whether its about her baby’s sleep, breastfeeding, or discipline. She carries the mental load of the household, supports her partner’s needs, and contributes to her family’s finances by working outside of the home. She never complains and she enjoys every moment with her child. If she ever struggles, it’s invisible.
As a therapist for moms + mom myself, I have never once seen someone live up to this trope of a “good mother”. But I’ve seen more women than I can count try without success, ultimately ending up in my office with a burning question: “why didn’t anyone tell me?”.
Why Didn’t Anyone Tell Me?
Ever wondered why women who are mothers hide their very common and normal motherhood struggles? Here are some of the reasons why:
You want to avoid being judged for not living up to the expectations. It may only take one experience with mom-shaming to shut your honesty down forever.
You aren’t sure if our experience is normal because no one is talking about it. You don’t want to be the “bad mom” who has all the “abnormal” problems.
You’re embarrassed that you believed the social narrative. You love your child more than yourself, but you may have chosen to wait to have children if you’d known that it was going to be this hard.
Society doesn’t give us the space we need to tell our stories as women + have them honored. As a result, your loved ones may not have had the opportunity to process the traumas they endured, the complex feelings they faced, or their struggles (even years later). They may feel like they can’t talk about it because it’s too much, emotionally.
All of this to say, if you feel like you missed out on the real story about pregnancy and postpartum, you aren’t alone. And in the end, this leaves us not only unprepared but also without a community of moms who are wiling to talk about the hard moments.
Therapy Offers Women Space for the Highs and The Lows - Without Judgement.
Telling your story, being heard and accepted without judgment, and being nurtured through the struggles you face while you are pregnant or postpartum is essential to your physical and emotional wellbeing. Many women come to therapy because it’s the only place they feel free to be fully honest and unconditionally supported during this transition. It’s often the only place that’s completely absent of the stigma of not living up to the standard of the “good mother”.
Therapy is a place to tell you story - the real story. Are you secretly cosleeping? Struggling with the demands of breastfeeding? Or wondering why you feel on edge all the time? Therapy is a place where you can tell the truth and be heard + supported without judgment.
Therapy is a place to learn about yourself - and what being a mom means for you. Every mom is different, and she should be. But it doesn’t always feel that way; there’s so much pressure to fit in. Therapy can help you tune out the noise, explore your perspective, and find confidence as you lean into your values.
Therapy is where you learn to protect your mental health as a new mom. Becoming a parent changes the way you care for yourself, the intensity of your emotions, and the way previously well-managed mental health symptoms show up. The things you’ve always done to take take of yourself won’t necessarily be practical or possible. Therapy is a place to find simple yet effective ways to nurture yourself.
Therapy is a place to work through past traumas that come up when you become a mom. You may think you’ve dealt with it or that it’s been left in the past, but becoming a mom brought it back to the surface. But your perspective has changed, and it’s bothering you. Therapy can help you find ways to feel healed again.
Therapy is a place to problem-solve and find actionable solutions. Whether you’re trying to find ways to navigate your sex-life, looking for more support around the house, or trying to figure out how you can take a shower every day, your therapist can help you find solutions that will actually work for you. Therapists are trained to solve problems quickly, and we’re here to help.
Therapy is a place where your investment has infinite returns. Taking the time to grow, emotionally, benefits you + every person who is in a relationship with you, including your child(ren). Many mothers are motivated to parent differently than their parents, and therapy can help. You will never regret investing in yourself and becoming the best human being you can be.
What To Look For in Your Maternal Mental Health Therapist
Specialized Training. First, you want to make sure that your therapist is licensed, which gives you peace of mind that your therapist has completed several years of training and experience. But this is not enough. It’s also important that your therapist has specialized training in perinatal mental health, such as the Perinatal Mental Health Certificate through Postpartum Support International and the Policy Center for Maternal Mental Health.
Lived Experience. Although I never would have said this before I became a mom myself, I believe it’s crucial that your therapist has lived experience in the parenting role. I don’t think training is enough; I think you have to live it to truly get the nuanced way pregnancy + becoming a mom impacts every part of your wellbeing. For example, in my therapy practice for moms I welcome babies and small children in session because I understand that finding childcare is often impossible (and that many women don’t want to leave their children).
Connection. Feeling a connection to your therapist is the most important factor for success in therapy. If you don’t believe that your therapist can help you or you dislike your therapist, it is very unlikely that you will meet your goals or feel success in therapy. Most therapists, like myself, offer a free introductory session where you can talk + decide if you are a good fit for each other.
Therapy Can Help You Navigate Pregnancy and Postpartum
If you’re struggling with living up to the social expectations of being a “good mother” or the transitions you’re facing in pregnancy or during the postpartum period, you’re not alone. And I’m here to help. Together we can untangle your concerns, finding new + healthy ways to protect your mental health, and cultivate self-compassion to free yourself from pressures and demands of early motherhood.
Get in touch to learn more about counseling with me and see if perinatal or postpartum therapy could be a good fit for you. Your baby will always be welcome in session with you.
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