Takeaway: The stress of caring for the household should be a shared task between all of the adults (and kids!) in the household, but it often falls to mothers. The invisible and unpaid labor of caring for the family leads many moms to unnecessary burnout and overwhelm. Learn Dr. Julie’s tips for talking to your partner about this part of the mental load & how to use the strategy of delegation to get your partner’s practical support with the tasks you want help with.

The Mental Load of Caring for the Household

The mental load of motherhood, which is sometimes called the invisible load, is the heavy emotional feeling associated with unpaid and unacknowledged labor of managing the physical, mental, and emotional needs your household. It includes everything from scheduling the children’s doctors visits to signing up for preschool to making sure the laundry is clean. And while you may have been the main doer of these tasks for the duration of your relationship with your partner, it often feels and gets harder after kids.

Most women describe this never-ending worry work as exhausting, overwhelming, and a factor that contributes to maternal anxiety, burnout and depletion. Why? Because it’s difficult find a way to get rest when your mind is thinking about your running to-do list all the time. And it often feels like women are doing this work all alone, because traditional social models assign this invisible labor to the mother.

Carrying the mental load is way too much work for one person, and experts agree that the mental load should be shared by all of the adults in the household. What’s more, moms want help, but face stress and frustrations when trying to access it.

Getting Help With the Mental Load Isn’t Easy: A Mother’s Perspective

I recently polled the Nurturing the Sisterhood Instagram Community to understand why new mothers aren’t getting support with the household tasks, and this what those mothers had to say:

“My husband says the household is my responsibility. He says that he provides and I should be grateful.”
“I have tried asking my husband for help but he complains or doesn’t follow through. So I stopped asking.”
“My partner doesn’t do a good job [with household tasks] and I have to redo everything he does.”
“It is quicker and easier for me to do things myself.”
“I feel like a bad wife when I need help.”
“I suck it up because I don’t anyone to think that I’m not capable of taking care of the house myself. I feel like a bad mom when I need help.”
“The things I’m worried about aren’t on my partner’s radar. It’s like we live in different families.”

Common Roadblocks to Getting Help

While every family’s situation is unique, the reasons for an unequal division of labor often share common themes. Here are some common roadblocks to getting help that might be holding you back:

#1 - You Don’t Know Who to Ask for Help

Knowing where to turn for support with the household labor isn’t easy. Women who are in a committed relationship often turn to their partner for help, although getting help from your partner isn’t always possible. Families who are impacted by military commitments, non-traditional work schedules + travel, and single parents often need to look to their village for this help. Yet this isn’t easy, especially for new parents who haven’t yet found their village or whose friends are either too busy or overturned to provide support.

**#2 - You Aren’t Sure of the Help You Actually Want**

Another roadblock to getting help is being unsure of the help you need. For women facing this problem. it’s often one of two things: (a) you feel so overwhelmed that you don’t know where to start, or (b) even though the tasks you’re burndened by are overwhelming, they are tasks you want to complete. You aren’t yet sure of the tasks you feel comfortable with giving up.

#3 - Your Asks Aren’t Working

Maybe you’ve tried to ask for help, and your partner didn’t follow through. Or perhaps you and your partner argue whenever you ask for more support than you’re getting now. Even worse, maybe you’ve never tried because you feel like a failure for even thinking about asking for help. If any of these scenarios describe you, know that you aren’t alone. As a therapist for moms, I see these roadblocks in my practice everyday, and I’ve created a helpful guide that you can use to navigate these conversations.

How to Get the Help You Need: The Power of Delegation

Overcoming these roadblocks can feel like an impossible task when you’re a mama in the thick of it. If you’re ready to make a change and overcome the overwhelm, use these tips to harness the power of delegation and gain your partner’s support:

Start by writing down your practical needs. These are the easiest to delegate. Be specific and list them individually so you’re ready to ask for one thing to be done at a time.

Determine a clear timeline with deadlines of when the tasks need to be completed. This is important, because it sets the expectations and lets you + your partner understand your level of urgency.

Decide which tasks you want to complete vs. the tasks you want to delegate. As you make your list, you’ll see certain tasks that you enjoy or that you prefer to oversee. You’ll also see tasks that you’re willing to give up or that your partner will do well.

I’ve created a helpful guide to delegation that includes a free printable to walk you through this process. You can then take this printable with you ask you prepare to make the ask.

Making the Ask

The final step in the process is to make the ask. If asking your partner for help in-person feels too overwhelming, perhaps because it has not gone well in the past, ask via text or email.

Use printed delegation form as the guide to the conversation. Choose one or two needs to start with, even if you have more. Share the need and the timeline in which it needs to be completed, but stick to those two topics only. This isn’t a time to unpack the many ways the mental load has bothered you; it’s simply a time to access support.

Once you’ve made the ask, your role is to sit back, wait, and manage your expectations. The task may not be completed in the way you would do it, but it should get done. Once it does, make sure you show appreciation by thanking your partner. Positive reinforcement often leads to more help, and that’s something we all know you need!

Therapy Can Help You Cope with the Burnout of the Mental Load

If you’re having trouble coping with the stress of the mental load or feel burned out it, you’re not alone. This is really common & expected in moms who are navigating the transition into motherhood. It’s even harder for moms who are experiencing challenges with postpartum emotions & who haven’t yet found ways to cope. Many parents face burnout as a result.

Consider therapy as an option. I can help you learn ways to utilize your support network and navigate the tough conversations about your capacity to care for the household + children + yourself so you no longer feel like the mental load is holding you back. Together, we’ll work on specific solutions so you can feel supported in this area of your life.

Get in touch with me to learn more about counseling and to see if therapy could be a good fit for you.

How to Talk to Your Partner About Sharing the Invisible Labor of Caring for the Household After Kids

The Mental Load of Caring for the Household