How to Keep Yourself Calm During a Toddler Tantrum
Takeaway: Tantrums are a developmentally normal rite of passage that all children go through, but they are stressful and anxiety-provoking for parents. Learning to stay calm during a tantrum is not easy, but it’s important because it gives you the chance to respond instead of react. In this post, Dr. Julie shares her top tips for reseting your expectations around tantrums and the phrases she uses to keep calm and collected when a tantrum hits.
Does anyone have a child that is 18-months or older? A toddler? A preschool-aged child? If so, you’ve probably experienced a tantrum.
Tantrums are a completely normal rite of passage for toddlers and their parents (and also older kids!). As frustrating as tantrums can be, they are a normal part of your toddler’s development and signal that your child is growing in their autonomy and problem-solving abilities. They show that your child is learning to make their own decisions and that they are starting to seek control over their body and emotions. But knowing that a tantrum is normal doesn’t make the experience of a tantrum any easier for us as the parents.
Why Toddler Tantrums are Hard for Parents
For me, the hardest part of a tantrum is figuring out how I respond. Even though I’m a therapist for moms and know exactly what I’m supposed to do when a tantrum erupts, I have moments of total tantrum incompetence. Just a few weeks ago, J decided he didn’t want to get into the car after preschool a few weeks ago, and he literally laid in the middle of the car line crying. I felt embarrassed because everyone was watching, for holding up the car line, and because nothing I said or did helped. It was difficult to stay calm under the pressure. In the end, I picked him up and carried him out of the road with my face burning pink.
The social pressure to have a perfectly behaved child in public makes tantrums especially difficult to navigate. Here’s what’s happening internally:
Tantrums feel embarrassing.
Tantrums slow you down.
Tantrums trigger your own fears and frustrations.
The noise and energy of a tantrum is overstimulating.
We don’t always know how to respond. Sometimes the way we respond makes things worse.
In my opinion, the most important thing we can do during a tantrum is find a way to stay calm as the parent. This allows us to get intentional about our response and helps our child calm down. A calm child = a tantrum that is over!
How to Calm Down When Your Child is Having a Tantrum
Staying calm when you’re in the thick of a tantrum is not an easy feat. So let’s start with acknowledging that it’s hard, and that it’s okay for things to feel difficult. Many parents feel like they’re failing if they can’t find an immediate strategy to calm the tantrum, and this reaction is often rooted in the unfair social expectations around our children’s behavior.
Reset Your Expectations Around Tantrums
First, I want you to know that you’re not failing if your child tantrums. Let me say that again: you’re not failing as a parent when your child tantrums. Social expectations for toddlers are incredibly unfair and unrealistic.
As a mom myself, I understand the pressures. I feel frustrated by the stares I get when my child tantrums, the dirty looks that come when he makes a loud noise in a public space, and the way my child is expected to be seen but not heard in many situations. And I understand the way that pressure can lead parents to feel like tantrums are unacceptable.
Once we recognize that it’s the social messaging around tantrums instead of the tantrum itself that is problematic, it’s easier to reset your expectations. Instead of seeking to end the tantrum (immediately!), we want to find a way to connect and respond to our child so we can offer our child the assurance that their tantrum is normal, honor their feelings, and help them to calm down.
Three Phrases to Keep You Calm When the Tantrum Happens
Staying calm during a tantrum is not easy, but it is possible. And it gets easier with practice. It may seem silly, but giving yourself a pep talk is a proven strategy for staying calm under pressure. building yourself up when you’re under stress works. Here are some phrases you can use to build yourself up during a tantrum:
“My goal right now is to do my best.”
“I believe in myself.”
“I can get through anything for a couple of minutes.”
Each of these phrases focuses on generating kindness and compassion for yourself while reminding you that you can do it. When we’re gentle with ourselves, it makes it easier to get through. And when we’re calm, we have the opportunity to be intentional with our actions. We are able to choose the response to our child’s tantrum in an intentional way and respond with the kind of apporach we know works best for our child.
Keeping Calm Lets You Respond Instead of React
When you’re calm and focused, you are able to respond to your child’s tantrum in a way that aligns with your values and parenting style. This kind of measured response helps to tame the tantrum, because it is calm and collected. Calm energy diffuses and comfort while reactive energy usually fans the flames. .
In my personal and professional experience, children calm down more quickly when they feel that their needs are being honored. This sentiment applies to babies, toddlers, preschoolers, and older children as well. So while connection and honoring your child’s feelings might seem like the last thing you want to do during a tantrum, it is the remedy that works best. And you need to be calm to do that.
When you and your toddler are both calm, it’s helpful to process the situation together. As a part of this, you can ask your toddler to share their needs and respond to them. Then you can share your needs, too. It’s okay to tell your toddler that you feel overwhelmed or anxious when they are tantruming, and to ask them to behave differently next time.
When I talk with my child about responding to his own stress, anxiety, and frustration differently, I talk about “body safety”. We talk about the unsafe things that happen to his body + the bodies of people in the vicinity of his tantrum, and we talk about how important it is for everyone to feel safe. He is very receptive to this message after his immediate needs are met, and it models setting boundaries + having discussion about the feelings that drive tantrums. Over time, this kind of dialogue will help your toddler learn to respond to their feelings differently.
Therapy Can Help You Figure Out How to Cope with the Stressful & Overstimulating Parts of Motherhood
If you’re struggling with your emotions and responses to your toddler’s behaviors and not sure of how to navigate them, you’re not alone. And I’m here to help. Together we can identify your triggers, find new + healthy ways to deal with the emotions that drive your current responses, and cultivate self-compassion in order to free yourself from the unhealthy social messaging that often impacts women in the early years of motherhood.
Get in touch to learn more about counseling with me and see if therapy could be a good fit for you.
I also have an online course created to teach you my most effective coping skills for the stress and anxiety you experience as a mom. My 21 Day Reset teaches you 21 coping habits in 21 Days - and everything fits right into your everyday routine without an extra time commitment. To learn more about the 21 Day Reset click here.
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