How to Put Yourself First Without Feeling Guilty: A Guide
Why is it that moms are celebrated for putting themselves last? As if living in a constant state of self-sacrificing is a badge of honor. You work hard taking care of the kids, the household, maybe even a career on top of it – you deserve to put yourself first for a change!
It’s time for this whole toxic culture of moms ignoring their basic needs to come to an end (anyone else see those reels about moms not having a chance to pee before getting everything else done?). While you can’t always put yourself first as a mom, there needs to be a healthy balance, and your basic needs most definitely need to be a priority!
You might wonder, “is it selfish to put yourself first as a mom?” I can’t say it enough that, no, it's NOT selfish to put yourself first! Figuring out how to put yourself first without feeling guilty is the goal, and I’m here to help!
Lesson #1: How to Deal with Mom Guilt
We all know this feeling too well. The guilt that comes with doing literally anything for yourself that isn’t also for your kids. These feelings of guilt can stem from thinking you’re selfish when doing things for yourself. It's not selfish to put yourself first. Let that sink in!
So, how do you deal with that overarching feeling of mom guilt?
Use a Mantra
For this, repetition is everything! Mantras are sayings you repeat to yourself to reinforce the meaning behind them. I find the “I deserve” statement to be extremely beneficial. The words we use for ourselves are powerful. Be careful with what you say to yourself—make sure it’s positive!
Start with these “I deserve to…” mantras and fill in the blanks:
I deserve to shower each day.
I deserve to have lunch.
I deserve a break.
I deserve to care for myself.
I deserve to spend time with my friends.
Tap Into Your Support Network
Whether it’s your spouse, partner, parents, childcare providers, therapist, etc., find someone who can support you in caring for yourself.
This does a few things for you to overcome that mom guilt when taking time for yourself:
Accountability: When someone else knows you’re planning to take time for yourself, you’re more likely to do it!
Logistics: Gives you the space to actually do it, especially if it can’t fit into your current routine.
Encouragement: Getting that validation that doing something for yourself matters (one of the biggest things I do as a therapist is play this role for moms!).
It’s time to say buh-bye to mom guilt and master how to put yourself first without feeling guilty!
Lesson #2: How to Put Yourself First, Mama
Now, it’s your moment to shine! Get ready to learn how to put yourself first (because no one else will do that for you!). This is where you can finally stop self-sacrificing and thrive in motherhood instead of just surviving it.
Start putting yourself first with these tips:
Find Balance Through Delegation
DOWNLOAD MY ULTIMATE GUIDE TO LEARN HOW
No, you shouldn’t have to choose between caring for your child or yourself. Most of the time, it’s possible to do both! Delegating can help with this (download my ultimate guide to learn how!) Moms worry that things won’t get done if they don’t do it themselves. Delegating tasks will allow you to free up time and make sure they still get done.
Focus on Your Basic Needs First
Start with ensuring your basic physical or health needs are taken care of first! This includes eating meals, showering, peeing when you have to pee, brushing your teeth, and washing your face before bed. Next, you can focus on your emotional and spiritual needs, like spending time away from home, taking extended breaks from your family (if you want that), and meeting up with friends.
Start with Small Time Commitments
Be realistic and do something that fits into your schedule, whether that’s doing a 15-minute yoga session at home or meditating for five minutes. It doesn’t need to be a luxurious spa afternoon or a girls’ weekend away to be considered self-care. Find small ways to fit in time for yourself, and then you can build up to the bigger things as you go along.
Add on Slowly
Slow and steady wins the race (as you’ve probably learned from reading this story to your kids!). Small changes are more likely to stick and continue. If you start too big, they tend to start strong initially and then taper off. Start with small changes for yourself. Then, when you and your support system are ready to accommodate more, bring it on!
Be Ready to Pivot
Maybe the thing you thought you wanted to do with your free time isn’t exactly how you pictured it. That’s when you can switch it up! If you wanted to drink your coffee in silence every morning but realized it wasn’t as enjoyable as you’d hoped, replace it with something else. The time you get to yourself is limited, so ensure you use it for the things that really matter to you.
Aim for Progress Not Perfection
Throughout this process, remember to give yourself grace. Changing behavior patterns can be challenging (we as humans, are creatures of habit!). Your body automatically wants to do what it’s familiar with doing. It takes time for new changes to become the new normal, and that’s OK!
It’s Not Selfish to Put Yourself First
I’m not telling you to always put yourself first, but I am telling you that it’s possible to make BOTH your needs and your kids’ needs a priority. If you’re asking yourself, “is it selfish to put yourself first when you have kids?” understand that you have needs that matter too! Learning how to put yourself first without feeling guilty is the first step.
When you make time for yourself, you’ll feel better overall and, as a result, serve your family AND yourself better. While mom guilt may never disappear completely, those feelings will melt away as you see how fulfilling a more balanced life can be!
Looking for ways to put yourself first? Join our Nurturing the Sisterhood community or follow along on Instagram here!
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