Is Being Known as a “Control Freak” a Red Flag for Mom Anxiety?
Takeaway: We miss an important opportunity to support women when we don’t recognize that being known for being a “control freak” is often a sign of postpartum or maternal anxiety. In this post, Dr. Julie explains the way control is fueled by anxiety, the cycle of anxious control, the costs of using control to manage your anxiety, and 4 strategies to help you let go.
Your mother-in-law, teenage daughter, best friend, partner etc. has been getting annoyed with you for being such a “control freak,” and now you’re wondering, am I really a control freak? Or is it something else, like anxiety?
There is a lot of misinformation about women’s mental health out there, and most people don’t realize that the drive to control situations, parenting decisions, schedules, and routines is often a sign of untreated postpartum or maternal anxiety. I cannot tell you how many women have started coming to therapy with me because they feel stuck and frustrated by the cycle of control & the lack of understanding they face from their loved ones.
In this post, you’ll learn about the reasons control is often fueled by anxiety, the cycle of control, the costs of using control to manage your anxiety, and 4 strategies to help you learn to let go.
The Anxious “Control Freak” Experience
The term “control freak” isn’t the most empowering language I can use, but it gets the point across. And it hits home for me because my own experience with anxiety includes the desperation of trying to control everything around me. (I also want you to know that I would never call you a control freak; I care too much about you to do that!).
Imagine this: You’re 6-months postpartum, and you get invited to a girls’ night on the town. You’re excited about seeing your friends, and you know that you need a break, so you say “yes!”. As the night gets closer, you start to feel anxious about your husband being in charge for the evening. In particular, you’re worried about the dinner-bath-bedtime routine. Your husband’s approach to the routine is more relaxed, and you don’t want your child’s sleep to get disturbed by a change. You consider staying home so you can make sure things go as planned at bedtime, even though it will hurt your partner’s feelings and shake his confidence. He feels like he can never live up to your expectations.
Every time you try to let another adult take control of some part of your child’s care, the anxiety comes rushing in. You can’t help but think of all the ways it can harm your child or disrupt the routine you’ve worked hard to establish. There are physical symptoms like a racing heart and upset stomach. But the worries and fears are the worst part.
So why does this happen? As a person who uses control to manage anxiety, you’ve learned that being in charge stops your anxiety in its tracks. After all, if you are in charge, you have a better chance of avoiding the outcomes you worry about. But it’s a lot of pressure, and it’s exhausting. It means you aren’t getting the breaks, it’s impacting your relationships with your partner, and you’re tired of being called a “control freak”.
Anxiety and Control: A Vicious Cycle
The desire to take control is a signal that you may be experiencing anxiety. Anxiety is often described as “hijacking your body,” meaning it makes you feel like you can’t control your body’s response to threats, stressful situations, or your intense worry. Your anxiety also has a way of convincing you that your worst case scenario is going to come true, and that doesn’t feel good.
Everything feels out of control with anxiety, and you want to fix that. So what happens?
Logically, you try to stop the out of control feelings by controlling everything around you. It doesn’t stop the anxiety, but it makes you feel better because you have control over some things. The predictability that being in charge gives you is wonderful. But it comes at many costs.
The Costs of Managing Anxiety with Control
Control Strains Your Relationships. No one enjoys being micromanaged. It takes away autonomy, and it feels like a lack of trust. While your partner and others may joke that you’re being a “control freak,” at first, in the long run, your partner may resent you, lose confidence in his/her/their ability to parent, or feel like you don’t value their contribution to your family.
Control Leads to Burnout & Feelings of Failure. It’s simply not possible to “do it all,” or at least not possible to “do it all perfectly.” Women who attempt this often burn out because of the lack of rest. It’s also common to start feeling like you are failing or are never good enough because you can’t live up to the high expectations you set for yourself.
Control Makes it Difficult to Adapt to Change Mom life is unpredictable. When you rely on control to manage your anxiety, it creates roadblocks to adapting to normal changes in routines, schedules, and events. Instead of being able to go with the flow, you may feel frustrated, overwhelmed, or unable to navigate the necessary change.
Control Leads to Isolation & Loneliness It’s natural for your friends and family members to pull away from you when you’re holding all the control, especially if it becomes your long term strategy for managing anxiety. Many times, you don’t realize that the control is the problem, so it makes the distance your loved ones create feel confusing.
How to Overcome the Desire to Control & Learn to Let Go
The desire to be in control is fueled by anxiety, the desire to stop feeling so out of control, and a desire to avoid your fears. It feels easier than learning to manage your anxiety at first, but over time it feels lonely and contributes to burnout, a desire to be perfect, and the feeling that you’re never good enough.
Every anxious mama’s journey with overcoming control is different. Here are some of the strategies that work with the women I support in my therapy practice:
Recognize that your desire to control is a result of your anxiety. The first step is to get clear about the root cause of the problem, your anxiety, rather than the way it manifests, as control.
Identify your fears and triggers. Pay attention to the parts of your routine and experience where control feels the most important to you. What are you worried about? What situations from the past might be triggering you? What are you trying to avoid?
Challenge the assumption that you need to control the situation to have a positive outcome. For example, ask yourself, “what would really happen if I let my partner put the kids to bed tonight?” or “what does the best case outcome look like?”.
Practice Communicating Your Needs & Fears. This is one of the most important steps you can take. When it feels like you need to control to keep your anxiety at bay, asking your loved ones for support can help. I find that our friends and family members have more compassion when they’re aware that the need to control is a sign of your anxiety instead of some kind of character flaw.
Work on Developing Trust in Others. In order for you to give up control, you need to trust that those around you are capable of taking over your tasks and responsibilities. Because your previous responses and feedback may have damaged some of their confidence, you may need to spend time building them up and empowering them to feel ready to take over.
Practicing these steps takes practice, patience, and a willingness to embrace change. Challenging your reliance on control to manage your anxiety & learning new ways to let go of your fears takes time. I encourage you to start with just one of these strategies and to build on it over time.
Therapy Can Help You Figure Out How to Overcome Anxiety and the Desire to Control that Comes With It
If you’re struggling with the need to control and not sure of how to let it go, you’re not alone. And I’m here to help. Together we can practice facing discomfort, finding new + healthy ways to deal with the anxiety that drives your need to control, and cultivating self-compassion in order to free yourself from the anxiety and control cycle.
Get in touch to learn more about counseling with me and see if anxiety therapy could be a good fit for you.
I also have an online course created to teach you my most effective strategies for coping with anxiety as a mom. The 21 Day Reset teaches you these techniques in just 21 Days. To learn more about the 21 Day Reset click here.
NEW WORKSHOPIs it Anxiety or is it Just Motherhood?
Everything you need to know about your experience of anxiety and it’s sister emotions so you can advocate for your needs & get the mental health support you want and need.
