Parenting is Hard: Tips for Managing the Unsolicited Advice as a New Mom
As a new mom, you deserve the space to learn to parent your baby. You deserve the space to make mistakes. You deserve to trust your intuition. You deserve to feel confident in motherhood.
But society doesn’t make that easy for us. The culture of handing out unsolicited advice adds an extra layer of stress to the overwhelming status of new motherhood. We are bombarded with advice, opinions, and information about the way we choose to care for our baby in nearly every social interaction. It seems like someone ALWAYS has something to say and that no topic is off limits. And it makes being a new parent that much harder.
Baby poop? Tell me more.
Are your boobs leaking? What a question.
And the one I always dreaded most... Is your baby sleeping through the night, YET?
When I was a new mom, I quickly learned that in motherhood, the most ordinary choices seem to invite judgement, and that remedy for that judgment seems to be advice giving. I found that my friends, neighbors, family members, the other moms, and even complete strangers at the grocery store had something to say.
So what gives? As a new mom, how can you navigate this unsolicited advice? We’ll take a deep dive into the way this advice negatively impacts moms and learn some strategies to deal with it.
Why the Unsolicited Advice Hurts New Moms
Although advice is often shared with the best of intentions, new moms tend to receive it in negative ways. Hearing constant & competing recommendations doesn’t feel good. It’s confusing. It’s frustrating. It often feels like judgment.
New moms are particularly vulnerable to the negative effects of unsolicited advice because:
.Your threshold for stress is low. You’re recovering from pregnancy and delivery, you’re adjusting to the brand-new role as mom, you’re not sleeping well, and your hormones are wild. It’s hard. This leaves you vulnerable to being in unwanted situations like getting unsolicited advice.
It creates self-doubt. As a new mom, you’re in a stage of experimentation. You’re trying to figure out what works for your baby, and the baby didn’t come with a manual. Being sent the message that you are doing things differently than the other person would do it often feels like they are saying, “you’re doing it wrong. You don’t know what’s best for your baby”. While the unsolicited advice giver likely meant their advice as help, it doesn’t feel like it.
Information overload increases anxiety. Being exposed to high volumes of advice puts moms at risk for anxiety. It takes an incredible amount of energy to process the advice, figure out how to respond, and decide whether we want to use that advice. It’s too much.
Shutting down the unsolicited advice is a sure way to protect your mental health & confidence as a new mom. Here are some scripts you can try:
Dealing with the Unsolicited Parenting Advice: A Guide
The goal of each strategy presented here is to protect YOU, the new mom, from the negative impacts of the unsolicited advice. As a therapist for moms, I think that is the most important goal here, and far more important than protecting the person who gave the advice. You deserve to feel supported in motherhood, and shutting down the advice is an important part of making that a reality.
Unsolicited Advice From Strangers in Public:
Example: “Oh, she’s only 3 weeks old? How cute. You know, she isn’t wearing socks. She’s going to catch cold. You should put some socks on her.”
Strategy: For me, personally, this is a low stakes interaction but also frustrating AF. Personally, I choose not to engage. I try to avoid a confrontation with the advice giver because you never know how people can respond, and the last thing you need is an escalation on your hands. Your goal is to disengage and get yourself away from the unsolicited advice giver.
Script: No words are necessary, although you can say something like “okay” and then walk away. I choose to shrug my shoulders and walk away in silence and without eye contact. I don’t engage with the advice. In my mind, I say to myself, “You’re the parent. You know what is best for your baby. Trust yourself”.
Unsolicited Advice From Another New Mom Who Does Things Differently:
Example: “You’re nursing overnight? You don’t have to do that anymore. Your baby is 4 months old and you can sleep train!”
Strategy: This unsolicited advice is coming from someone you like, and someone you want to be able to lean on for support. So you want to respond in a way that shows appreciation for the intention of helping but also makes it clear that you don’t want to compare your experiences or babies. You should also ask for what you need.
Script: “Sleeping all night sounds amazing. I’m really glad you found a way to do that with your baby. We’re approaching sleep differently; sleep training doesn’t work for our family. I just need some sympathy right now.”
Unsolicited Advice From Family Members:
Example: “Back in my day, we didn’t breastfeed. We mixed milk with cereal and it kept their bellies full all night.”
Strategy: As with the new mom friend, this is a person you care about and will be seeing again. So you need to respond in a way that honors their intention of helping but shuts the unsolicited advice down. You don’t need to hear it advice again. Then, ask for what you need.
Script: “It’s so interesting to hear about the way things were done back in the day. But it’s also overwhelming. I’m new to being a mom and there’s already so much I need to figure out. I really need support with breastfeeding; it’s hard, and it’s what I’ve chosen to do.”
Unsolicited Advice From Caregivers (ie. the daycare provider, the nanny, etc.):
Example: “I will tell you exactly how to get your baby to sleep. Just do these 3 things…”
Strategy: This person is caring for your baby, and it’s important that this caregiver follows your guidance and advice – not the other way around. Remember, your baby is unique from other babies, and your baby’s needs differ. In this scenario, it’s important to set firm boundaries and expectations. You need to be able to trust that the caregiver has gotten your message and is following your orders. Ask for what you want (information about what the caregiver notices or experiences with your baby) and shut down what you do not want (unsolicited advice).
Script: “That sounds interesting, but it is not what we have chosen to do. This is the way we handle sleep, and we expect you to do things this way. If a problem comes up, we want to hear about it. We want to know if our baby isn’t doing well with the way we’ve chosen to do things, and in this case, we will explore other options we feel comfortable with and let you know what those are.”
Unsolicited Advice From Medical Professionals Who Advising Outside of Their Training:
Example: You visit the pediatrician for your baby’s well visit and this provider tells you, “You should start exercising and lose that baby weight as soon as possible. It’s important to get back to your pre-pregnancy shape quickly for your overall health.”
Strategy: It’s important to let this person know that they are outside of their lane. The level of politeness you use here will depend on your personality & relationship with the provider – but here you should be firm in your boundaries and expectations for the future.
Script: “I will discuss that with the doctor who cares for my health. My weight isn’t the reason we are here, and hearing that does nothing to help my wellbeing.”
It’s Okay to Ask For Parenting Advice When You Need It
The problem for new moms isn’t in receiving advice, it’s in receiving unsolicited advice that wasn’t asked for. Getting advice and support that is desired and from a trusted source is incredibly valuable. It’s one of the reasons mom’s are always talking about the village. The key is that you ask someone you can trust, that is educated and/or experienced, that you can be honest with, and whose goal is to build you up and acknowledge the things you’re doing so well as a new mom + offer you some new options to consider.
Have questions or need support to help you manage the unsolicited advice or the way it is impacting your parenting journey? Let’s connect here or on Instagram!
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