Takeaway: Telling your partner that you feel too touched-out for sex and intimacy isn’t easy. While everyone’s experience is unique, it is common for new parents to have competing expectations and capacities for sex. In this post, you’ll learn about the reasons new parents struggle with intimate connection and explore a roadmap for effective communication & boundary setting around sex & intimacy in your relationship.

Having an intimate relationship with your partner is a part of life - a good part - but it can also be a major source of stress, relationship conflict, and contention that new parents don’t expect. After all, the social narrative around post-pregnancy sex is that it begins after your 6-week postnatal check-up. But is being intimate at 6-weeks postpartum realistic?

The truth is that the social narrative about postpartum sex doesn’t line up for many couples. Many new parents lack the physical, mental, and emotional energy needed for intimacy, and this is especially true for new moms. So how do you cope when one partner wants to be intimate but you’re feeling too touched out or exhausted to partake? In this post, we’ll discuss the reasons moms don’t want to be intimate, the challenging feelings that surround this reality, and ways you can honor your needs without having conflict with your partner.

Moms are Touched Out, Tapped Out, and Stressed Out

We all know this feeling too well. The complete exhaustion you feel from nurturing your child today & all the days that came before today. If this is you, I want you to know that you’re not alone. And we’ll talk about that - but before we do, give yourself some credit, mama. Remind yourself that you’re doing a great job, and that feeling this way is a part of the gig.

The nurture you’re providing for your child is multidimensional - it includes emotional care, physically touching or being touched by your child, and the mental energy it takes to organize every part of your child’s life. On top of that, you’re doing so much more. Your role is not just as a childcare provider, it’s also being the household manager, a wife or partner, a friend, a sibling/sister/relative in your extended family, a friend, and maybe even as someone who does paid work outside of the home. There is literally nothing that could be more demanding of your time and energy than adding mother to the list of roles you play.

The research tells us that most moms feel overwhelmed by the demands of motherhood, and that they feel more overwhelmed than their male counterparts. So how do you deal with your partner’s request for intimacy when you’re in this place of total exhaustion, and why doesn’t your partner feel it, too?

You’re Not Alone if You’re Burned Out by Motherhood

The intense emotional and physical fatigue you’re feeling isn’t just being tired - it’s burnout. Many moms describe burnout as “parental exhaustion,” and it’s a good way of describing it. Moms feel an overwhelming sense of responsibility to care for their children and feel immense pressure to be involved in every aspect of their child’s life. This is especially true of mothers who live with anxiety, because there is strong desire to be the perfect mom, which tends to lead to over-investing in your role as mother without any kind of break or sustainable self care strategy.

Your Mental Load is Different Than Your Male Partner’s

Traditionally, men fill the role of provider, not nurturer. And while modern men often strive to be more involved in parenting and household management than their fathers were, gender norms often dictate lower involvement & less responsibility. Social norms, such as paternity leave being short & uncommon, enforce these norms from the very start of parenthood, It takes focused and intentional work to balance the mental load and more fairly divide the labor at home..

Your Partner May Not Understand Your Perspective of Physical Touch

Moms of babies and toddlers often feel touched out and tapped out at the end of the day. Infants and toddlers crave physical touch, and that touch is given to them by their primary caregivers (who are most often moms, not dads). The amount of physical touch increases when you are breastfeeding, because your baby is attached to your body for much of the day - and that touch goes up with every illness, developmental milestone, and growth spurt - as well as during the newborn & baby phases when contact naps and baby wearing are common.

Your male partner likely observes the constant physical contact between you and your child, but he doesn’t understand the impact on your wellbeing or desire for less physical contact. Most of the time, I find that this is because he does not experience it himself + he only observes some of the physical contact between you and your child. While you are likely feeling touched out and tapped out at the end of the day, your partner may crave physical touch because he is not getting it during the day. Pre-baby, you likely fulfilled that need for him because you also craved that touch. Nowadays, your. needs are not aligned, and he may not understand why.

Common Worries About Saying “No” to Intimacy

Many couples expect that things will return to “the way they’ve always been” after the 6-week postpartum check-up. When that doesn’t happen, as is the case for most new parents, it can feel like something is wrong. Many moms worry about the longterm impact of a break from or change to intimacy. Most of the time, changes in sexual patterns and activities are a normal part of the transition to a larger family. It takes time for your relationship to adapt to the way your new child impacts every part of your life. But this knowledge doesn’t always stop moms from worrying about the way saying “no” could impact their relationship in the long-term.

You Don’t Want to Hurt Your Partner’s Feelings

Sex is a sensitive topic, and turning someone down can really hurt feelings. The last thing you want to do is make your partner feel like you are not attracted to them or like they’ve done something that makes you want to avoid sex.

You Worry About Meeting Your Partner’s Needs

As a therapist for moms, I’ve had many women tell me that they’ve said “yes” to intimacy even when they don’t want to, because they feel responsible to meet their partner’s sexual needs. They feel guilty about saying “no” or report that saying “no” feels selfish. It is also common, though unacceptable, for a woman’s partner to tell her that she is being selfish. I want you to know that being honest about not having the capacity for an intimate encounter is not selfish.

You Worry About Your Partner Stepping Out

The social narrative around infidelity includes the idea that someone will step out if their sexual needs are not being met by his/her/their partner. A part of this social messaging can be the idea that it is the woman’s fault if her man’s needs are not being met + the idea that she is to blame for infidelity in this case. This toxic narrative because it becomes internalized by both men and women who live it out. It’s important to know that your partner is responsible for the sexual boundaries you’ve agreed upon in your relationship whether or not you are being intimate together.

You Worry That You Won’t Find a New Groove

Many couples fear that it’s not possible to reverse a sexual dry spell, and so they put undue pressure on themselves to keep an active sex life even when they are physically and emotionally tapped out. This kind of thinking is a myth; dry spells are a normal part of new parenthood & can change at any time. The change usually happens when the physical demands of parenthood decrease.

How to Create a New Normal

So, how do you deal with the disconnect between you and your partner when it comes to the delicate topic of your intimate life? The key is communication. Here are some tips to help you get started:

Talk About Sex Before the Request Comes

Turning down a request for sex in the moment tends to feel harder than talking about it in advance. If you’re a new mom & don’t feel ready to get going with your sex life, bring it up. A common time to discuss this is around the time of the 6-week postpartum visit when you get the medical green light for sex. It’s okay to say something like, “I’m not ready yet,” or “I don’t feel up to it right now. I need more time.” Doing this when you’re not in the heat of the moment makes it easier to have a conversation and avoid conflict.

Focus on Your Feelings & Perspective

It’s important to use “I” language and to focus on yourself. If you’re feeling touched out, it’s okay to say exactly that! It’s also helpful to share emotions & experiences that are impacting your feelings about sex. For example, many women fear getting pregnant again, and this holds them back from participating in sex. Sharing your perspective helps your partner in two ways: (1) it gives your partner the chance to help you problem-solve any problems you’re experiencing, and (2) it helps your partner to understand that your reasons for turning down sex are about you and not about him.

Share Information that Normalizes Your Experience

Quash misinformation about postpartum sex by sharing facts that helps you & your partner understand that you’re not the only ones with a sparse sex life. For example, you can relay that nearly half of moms (46%) wait longer than 6-weeks to have postpartum sex, with many waiting 6-months to a year. If you are a part of the group of 1 in 5 moms who experiences postpartum anxiety or depression, know that a return to sex often takes longer. And for moms who are past the postpartum stage, know that the demands of parenthood mean that most parents have lower sex drives & have less sex than they did before kids. The same goes for moms who lack a village of support because of the higher likelihood of burnout & exhaustion.

Find the Yes - And Set Clear Boundaries

Be clear about the types of intimate activities you’re open to with your partner. For some moms, this will be no intimate activity. For others, hand-holding, cuddling, or hugging will feel good. And others will fill ready for kissing or sexual activity. If there’s an activity you’re interested in, share that. And be clear that you need your partner to respect your boundaries around this. You want to avoid your “yes” turning into a request for something that you’ve already said “no” to, because this puts unexpected pressure on you to disregard your thoughtful boundaries.

Listen to Your Partner’s Feelings, Too

Give your partner a chance to share their reaction to your decision about intimacy. Every person is different; some partners will accept your perspective and become supportive immediately, while others will need more time. Common feelings include disappointment, confusion, shame, anger, and frustration. It’s okay to give your partner time and space to reflect and consider what you’ve said. However, your boundaries should be respected immediately, even if they are not popular with your partner. This is an important part of safety in your relationship.

Be Ready to Continue the Discussion

Regular and ongoing communication about intimacy is important. Maybe that thing you thought you wanted to do isn’t working for you, after all. Or perhaps you are ready to do more shortly after your first discussion. Changes in your feelings and boundaries should be discussed. I recommend talking about this when you’re not in the heat-of-the-moment because it’s easier to avoid conflict.

Therapy Can Help You Figure Out Your Postpartum Sex Life

Therapy can give you neutral and supportive space to make sense of your feelings and boundaries about postpartum sex. Talking about this topic isn’t always easy, and talk about your perspective with a therapist before you share it with your partner can help. Therapy is also a wonderful resource for figuring out your boundaries, learning how to set them, and for learning to navigate the new-normals of motherhood.

As a therapist for moms and mom myself, I understand how important boundaries around intimacy are for your physical and mental health. My training in person-centered & family systems theory gives me a strong foundation to explore and unpack your perspective about this topic. I am also skilled at supporting moms with finding solutions to maternal anxiety, stress, burnout, and overwhelm so that an intimate life becomes possible again.

Being touched out and tapped out is a part of motherhood - but it doesn’t have to feel so bad. Finding ways to cope with the demands of motherhood makes a huge difference. If you’re a mom in Washington State & you’re looking to get started with therapy, reach out to me here.

If you’re not looking for therapy right now or you’re outside of Washington State, check out my non-clinical services for moms in the Nurturing the Sisterhood community or follow along on Instagram here!

Is it Selfish to Say “No” to Intimacy When You’re a Touched Out Mom?

Moms are Touched Out, Tapped Out, and Stressed Out

You’re Not Alone if You’re Burned Out by Motherhood

Your Mental Load is Different Than Your Male Partner’s

Your Partner May Not Understand Your Perspective of Physical Touch