It’s Ok if You Don’t “enjoy every moment” with Your Child
I can clearly remember the challenges of trying to go back to work after my “maternity leave” 3 years ago. I had already taken more time than I was allowed because my son was having medical issues that required a new childcare plan. I was tired (like really, really tired) and I hadn’t slept for more than 3-hours in over 6 months. Yet it was time to go back, so I did. It was overwhelmingly hard. Emotionally, I didn’t feel ready to be separated from my child. Physically, my body was depleted. Mentally, I struggled with the idea of spending time away from my child in the name of something as mundane (and necessary) as work.
As I navigated my way into the new normal of a work-home life balance with my infant, something happened that I didn’t expect. As I sat down to my desk one Tuesday morning, I realized that I had been looking forward to work. I’d been looking forward to the break. I felt relieved to have a break from the parts of motherhood that were so difficult for me at that time: the cluster feeding, the contact napping, not being able to put my son down for more than 45 seconds, and the inability to do something as simple as shower without him crying. Being intensely needed was hard for me, and I was thankful to have my body to myself.
As those feelings set in, I felt a little guilty. Then a lot guilty. What kind of mother needs a break from her child, I thought? Or worse yet, wants it? Aren’t I supposed to be embracing and enjoying every moment? It’s going to go by so fast! Ugh, I don’t have time for this. I stuffed my feelings and got to work. I didn’t want to deal with them.
Later that evening, I sat down to dinner with my husband, Sean. I was holding my infant. I was SO HAPPY that he was in my arms, and I was relieved to have gotten through another day of work. I told Sean about my guilt. I told him that I felt like a bad mother. And I will forever be thankful that he responded with compassion and understanding. He reminded me that having a life away from and outside of my child is important for my health, just like sleeping and eating, and that it will be good for our son to see that I have hobbies, interests, and a career.
No matter what stage or phase of parenting you are in, there are hard moments. Each stage of parenting is intensive for a different reason. You may not enjoy every part of it, even if you are finding moments of joy. In this post I’ll discuss the idea of “enjoying every moment” with your child and the reason’s this advice is problematic for moms’ mental health.
They say I need to “enjoy every moment” with my child… is that a thing?
For those of you who are struggling with the incredible demands of motherhood, I first want you to know that enjoying every moment with your child is not a thing.
I’ll say this again just in case you need to hear it one more time: enjoying every moment with your child is not a thing!
When someone notices that a mom is struggling with her responsibilities as a parent, is feeling burned out, or is overwhelmed with the reality of motherhood, sometimes the advice given is to “enjoy every moment,” but that advice causes moms to feel like they are failing.
It is very normal to have stages and phases of motherhood you don’t enjoy. This reality does not mean you’re doing something wrong.
The Complexity of Motherhood
When we consider the incredible demands we face as mothers and the many different parts of this role, it makes sense that you wouldn’t enjoy every single part of it.
Your role as a mother shifts and changes constantly. The postpartum period is the most demanding in terms of meeting your chil'd’s physical and emotional needs while also recovering from pregnancy and birth. But later stages have different demands that are just as - if not more - taxing than those early stages.
On top of this, motherhood doesn’t come with a handbook. No one can tell you exactly what to do, how to do it, or what will work. So you’re constantly experimenting, juggling, and searching for solutions to new problems that crop up. It’s normal, but it’s not easy.
Societal Pressures
Can you feel the pressure? The expectations and demands put on moms are off the charts! Society tells women from an early age that they should be able to do it all (we’re the strong and nurturing ones who take care of the kids AND do all of the household chores). This enforces the idea that the fathers are just helpers and sidekicks rather than the ones who should also share primary duties. Thanks, patriarchy! But newsflash: it’s not the 1950s anymore, so it’s time to break free from antiquated societal thinking.
Society also plagues mothers by teaching a false narrative about motherhood will be like. You are sold a story about motherhood being easy and enjoyable. And then you (and all the other moms, me included) believe it. This is problematic because things aren’t easy or enjoyable all the time, and when they aren’t, you feel like you are doing something wrong.
Self-Sacrifice
The advice to “enjoy every moment” also bothers me because it shuts down an opportunity to care for the mother. Telling a mother to suck it up and enjoy it, even when it’s overwhelming, causes a mother to internalize the advice and stop speaking up about her needs. It leads to unhealthy self-sacrifice, ignoring important needs, burnout, stress, and overwhelm. And importantly, it leads many mothers to believe they are failing at motherhood when they are not.
We Need to Care for the Mother. No, really. I mean it.
Mothers who are struggling need to have allies in motherhood who are willing to be real about the hard parts - and the way it feels to be navigating those challenges. Far too often, moms who share that they are struggling are told to “enjoy every moment” instead - and this feels both dismissive and unhelpful.
Moms who are repeatedly dismissed start to believe that their difficulties are their fault - and they stop asking for support. They resort to measures like self-sacrifice, denying their needs, and living with burnout. These kind of measures increase postpartum anxiety, depression, anger, and burnout in motherhood.
What helps a mother who is struggling to enjoy every moment:
Listen to and affirm her feelings, both positive and negative.
Tell her that you understand and that you’ve experienced similar challenges. She’s not alone.
Ask her what she needs (instead of offering unsolicited advice)
If you’re a mom who is struggling and get bad advice, it’s okay to ask for what you needed when you shared your struggle. And it’s important to find the people who can support you.
You are NOT obligated to enjoy every moment. But you do need to take care of yourself.
Remember, it’s your responsibility as a mom to care for yourself & also your child. You are not obligated to enjoy every part of this. If you notice that you are feeling overwhelmed and burned out by the hard parts of motherhood on a regular basis, you need to prioritize finding solutions instead of staying stuck in that cycle.
Here are some things that can help:
Using positive mantras to remind yourself that breaks are healthy and necessary (ie. “it’s important for me to take care of me, too”).
Using coping habits that lower your stress & anxiety. I teach 21 different habits that do just this, and fit into your everyday routine, in my 21-day Anxiety Reset
Finding hobbies that you can manage in your new role as a mom. For me, long days of working in my garden are out and listening to books and podcasts are in.
Leaning on your village - no matter how small - and accepting help that is offered.
Delegating some of your responsibilities so you can feel less overwhelmed.
Spending time with other moms who get it.
Things are easier with support. If you’re unsure of where to find that support, we’ve got your back here at Nurturing the Sisterhood - we are a community of moms who get it. Come explore our valuable tips, resources, and support options that are just for moms. Join us in honoring the realities of motherhood and overcoming them together!
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