7 Completely BS Judgments that Hurt New Moms
In motherhood, the most ordinary choices seem to invite judgment.
It's alarming how often new moms get bombarded with COMPLETELY BS judgments. From how your little one sleeps or naps, to the way you choose to feed your child, and even to how you spend your 'me-time.' Someone ALWAYS has something unhelpful to say.
Something I’m often asked as a therapist for moms is, “Am I overreacting or was this person out of line when they said this to me?”.
First, I want you to know that being judged for your parenting choices or your child’s behavior is NOT okay. You are not overreacting.
And although it can be difficult to lean into the idea that the unsolicited feedback you got was not okay and the tough feelings that go along with it, it’s important to trust your intuition. Your negative feelings make sense. You are a mom, but you’re also a human being who is impacted by the unkind words of others.
I want you to know that this judgment is not okay. In fact, it’s complete and utter BS.
As mothers, we each have a different level of tolerance for the judgments we get as we do the best we can to care for our child’s needs. While one mother can brush it off like it’s nothing, another mother is gutted at her core. But something we all have in common is that we experience hurt and bewilderment.
The judgements we hear hurt us as moms - and we’ll get to that - but first, I want to share the 7 types of judgments that hurt new moms:
Where Your Baby Naps & Sleeps at Night. You will hear a lot of seasoned parents talk about the way their baby slept, why their way of doing things was the best way, and how they did it. This may cause you to doubt your plan but don’t let it. Every single child’s sleep is unique. Whether you are contact sleeping, bed sharing, crib sleeping, or some combination, it’s okay. Your child’s needs are special to your child, and your job as the parent is to do the best you can to meet those needs.
The Way You Try to Find a Work-Life-Home Balance. Every mother goes through a transition period as she tries to figure out the new normal of life with a new baby. The way your child fits into your family’s work-home-life schedule will be unique. Some mothers make very little change to their work routines, others choose to stop work and become full-time caregivers for their child, while others yet downshift or re-negotiate their responsibilities outside of the household. The choices that are available to your family depend on many factors including your financial situation, your support network, the type of career you hold, your mental + physical health, and other factors that an outsider is not privy to. As you go through the learning curve of this transition, it’s best to focus on your family’s needs.
Whether Your Body “Bounces Back” from Pregnancy. For some reason, people are very focused on commenting and critiquing the bodies of new mothers. Whether the comments about your body are positive or negative, they are unwelcome. Feeling comfortable in your new and constantly changing body is difficult. If you’re feeling uncomfortable or like.a stranger to your body right now, that is okay! This is a normal part of the transition into motherhood.
The Way You Feed Your Baby. This is another area that seasoned parents like to talk about - and with enthusiasm that mirrors feelings about baby sleep. I want to set the record straight: the way you are feeding your baby is what is best for your family. What bothers me most about this kind of discussion is that it often assumes that the mother is making a choice about the way she wants to feed. In reality, many mothers are not following the feeding plan that was imagined during pregnancy. This can be because of the physical health needs of your baby, the mom’s physical or mental health needs, the type of support the mother has access to, employment, and even childcare choices. Its complex, and judgmental feedback often ignores that complexity.
The Childcare Decisions You Make. I was taken aback by the judgmental feedback I recieved in this area; I just wasn’t expecting it. The feedback in this area bothers me because it often shames the mother for choosing the best childcare option she can. It also assumes that mothers have infinite choices, but the reality is that there are often only a few options that work with your family’s routines, needs, and finances. On top of this, most mothers feel guilty for utilizing childcare, especially at first. This guilt often gets better with time and with the perspective that the childcare option you are using is meeting your child’s needs.
How You Spend & Prioritize Alone Time. Each mother is completely unique in her need for time away from her child. As a new mom, I experienced significant anxiety that was soothed by being with my child and tending to his needs myself. I did not want to be away from him often or regularly. Yet whenever I felt tired or overwhelmed, the advice given was to “just take a break” and I felt blamed for not prioritizing my own needs. It didn’t help. On the other end of the spectrum, I know mothers who are judged for taking regular and prolonged time away from their kids. The truth is that only you know when you need & want a break, and it is your responsibility to honor those feelings.
When Your Baby Meets Milestones. I was not particularly worried about my baby’s milestones; I assumed that he would meet them when he was ready. But I soon found that other people had a lot of opinions about when my child needed to meet his milestones + significant misinformation about the timing of healthy development. Their wrong information often led to me feeling pretty stressed and overwhelmed about my son & my role in his growth. The only person who needs to comment on your child’s milestones is your pediatrician (or another expert in milestone development).
The Judgment Hurts Moms
I believe the judgment we receive as new mothers comes from a combination of social pressure and our own expectations as new moms. Society has a lot to say about the ‘best’ way to parent, and as new moms, we want to live up to those standards. It’s not all about our own self-image, it’s also about our child. We want to be the best mother we can be; it’s important. So when someone says that we are doing something incorrectly or implies that we are harming our child, it hurts. And it’s this is a problem - that moms are hurt - that is more problematic than the judgment itself. It’s the way moms internalize the negative views of others and feel that they have to change the way they are parenting to avoid future judgment.
As a therapist for moms, I see the way judgment hurts moms every single day. While each mom is unique, these judgments often manifest as guilt, perfectionism, and/or anxiety. If you’re notice that these kinds of responses are showing up for you, I get it. I internalized the judgment in the exact same way when I was a new mom. Things can get better with time & the right kind of support.
How to Let Go of the Judgment
I am giving you full permission to stop defending your parenting choices.
You don’t need to convince anyone other than yourself & your partner that your parenting choices are best for your family. The more helpful option is to choose to let the judgment go.
Learning to let go of the judgment is an important skill that will benefit you forever & ever. Because (spoiler alert!) the BS judgments you’re getting now don’t stop when you become a seasoned parent. They continue at every stage and phase of motherhood. So the sooner you learn to deal with the judgment in a way that protects your intuition, peace, and integrity as a mother, the better. It means less hurt for you.
I want you to know that letting go of the unsolicited feedback & judgment you’re getting isn’t easy. If you’re struggling with this, the first thing I encourage you to do is develop some compassion for yourself. As a new mom, you may not be able to deal with the negative perspectives in a graceful way. This makes sense - after all, you aren’t sleeping enough, your’e recovering from pregnancy and birth, your entire way of living has changed, and you are learning as you go. It’s a tough phase of life, even as it brings incredible joy. So give yourself a little bit of a break if you feel like the judgment feels harder and heavier than normal.
Then, give yourself permission to focus on the joys you’re experiencing. Compliment yourself on the things you’re doing well and on the small successes you face each day. Choose to remain focused on the positive moments so you can build your confidence as a new mom. And surround yourself with supportive people who will help you with that goal.
And finally, it’s okay to curate your audience right now. If you find that a certain individuals are harmful to your mental health, it’s okay to take some space away from them as you figure new motherhood out. You can see them again in the future when you’re feeling better equipped to cope.
Have questions or need support with building your confidence as a new mom? Let’s connect here or on Instagram!
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