Don't Tell a Mom to "Just" Take a Break: Understanding the Challenges of Alone Time
“Why is it so hard to get a break when you’re the mom?”
When you’re feeling stressed out, tapped out, and touched out, it makes sense to those who are around you will sense that you feel frustrated, overwhelmed, anxious, or just plain burned out. In an effort to help you, loved ones will often give this piece of advice: “Oh honey, just take a break from the kids”.
This sounds helpful advice. A break would be nice; and your loved one is right, you need a break. But no matter how much you want that break to happen, it isn’t easy to get.
As a therapist for moms & mom myself, I’ve found that this advice is well-meaning but hurtful to moms. In this post I will unpack the reasons these breaks are so hard to get, why this advice hurts moms, and offer you a few super simple ways you can care for yourself without taking an extended break from your kids.
Why Moms Don’t “Just” Get Breaks
The situation of taking a break from your parenting responsibilities is much more complex than making the choice to take some time away from your kids.
Unfortunately, when someone tells a mom to “just” take a break, it implies that the mother has complete control over her ability to take breaks. The logic that follows is this: if the mother does not take a break, it is because she is making a willful choice to stay overwhelmed and frustrated. If she would just take a break, things would feel better.
As a new mom, this advice felt incredibly frustrating to me. The advice seemed to oversimplify my challenges & didn’t consider the many roadblocks to me getting time away from my child. It also didn’t feel good to be judged for not being able to find a way to get a break.
Let’s explore some of the reasons that break isn’t possible for you.
Your Break Depends on Your Support System
Many new moms realize that their support system is not robust enough to support breaks. If you are lucky enough to have a support system in place, it is often designed to do the bare minimum. For example, if your child is in daycare, it is for you to work or do other non-negotiable tasks like attend doctors appointments. That support often doesn’t extend to something as lofty as a true break. And there are good reasons for this - childcare is very expensive and also difficult to arrange. With limited financial and external resources, moms feel pressured to find ways to feel well without breaks.
You Feel Guilty About Wanting a Break
It is very common to feel guilt or a sense of failure about your desire to get a break from your parenting responsibilities. How does this show up for moms? It’s often in your thoughts. You might tell yourself something like, “Good moms don’t need breaks” or “What is wrong with me? Why do I want to be away from my child?”. It’s important to remember that being in touch with your needs is actually a sign of strength, and it’s healthy to take breaks where you can focus on your needs. The truth is that all moms need breaks, and that being aware of this need is a sign of good mothering.
Your Anxiety Skyrockets When You Are Away from Your Child
For moms who experience postpartum anxiety or anxiety about others caring for their child, the idea of a break can sound unattractive. As a mom who lives with anxiety, this one hits home for me. I have found that when my anxiety is already high, the extra anxiety I feel about having a caregiver isn’t worth it. It defeats the purpose of my break. On the other hand, when my anxiety is on the low end, I find that breaks are enjoyable because I can manage the caregiver anxiety I experience. This reality is very common for anxious moms, and it highlights the importance of learning to manage your anxiety on a daily basis so that it stays on the lower end.
Super Simple Ways to Care for Yourself When an Extended Break Just Isn’t Possible
When you can’t get the extended break you need - or you simply don’t want to - it’s still important to find ways to take care of yourself. Noticing that you are feeling stressed out, burned out, or overwhelmed is an important sign that your needs are not being met with the status quo, and that things need to change. We’ll get to that next. But first, here are a few things you can do to take care of yourself right now, with kids in tow:
Turn your phone off and give yourself the gift of some time away from the phone
Get out of the house for a little bit, with your child. A change of environment goes a long way!
Tidy up a small area of the house that is bugging you
Fix your hair, put on some makeup, or do something to “get dressed” and feel more like you
Put your favorite music on
Each of these small self care ideas are ways you can nurture yourself without taking an extended break or ignoring your responsibilities as a parent. These mood boosters will help you to feel more like yourself, and give you a break from the burned out & stressed out feeling.
When You Need Additional Support
All moms feel overwhelmed at times. But if it’s something that you’re feeling on the regular, it’s a sign that your support network needs some improvement. The truth is that every single mother needs a village - without one, it’s simply not possible to tend to your needs while also caring for your family. That being said, it’s not quick or easy to find the village you need. It takes work, effort, and time.
If you’re looking for extra support as a mom, know that it's possible to find it in a virtual space! Our community at Nurturing the Sisterhood honors the realities of motherhood and supports moms in finding solutions that really work. Join us to learn valuable tips, resources, and get support with creating the village you need in motherhood.
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