It's Ok to Ask For Help, Mama: Here’s How to Do It
“Why can't I ask for help?”
When a mom needs help, what’s holding them back from asking for the help they need? Too many things, unfortunately.
But no matter how hesitant you are, I’m here to tell you it's ok to ask for help! Leaning on others doesn’t mean you’re not a bad mom. The reality is ALL moms need help. Not only taking care of your child (or more than one!) but also overseeing the responsibilities of the household and even a career takes a toll on anyone. Single moms know this all too well, but even moms with a partner might not get the help they need either.
Whether you have a partner or not, knowing who to ask for help and how to ask for help is crucial. Why is asking for help important? Because to be the best version of yourself mama, you need to take care of yourself and your needs too, not solely everyone else’s 24/7. Let’s get into how to ask for help, so you can change that starting now!
Why Moms Don’t Ask For Help
I’ll say this again just in case you need to hear it one more time: it's ok to ask for help!
Unfortunately, there are negative mindsets that stand in the way of moms getting the help they truly need. These roadblocks are the reason why you’re wondering, “Why can't I ask for help?” and prevent many moms from asking for help in the first place!
Societal Pressures
Can you feel the pressure? The expectations and demands put on moms are off the charts! Society tells women from an early age that they should be able to do it all (we’re the strong and nurturing ones who take care of the kids AND do all of the household chores). This enforces the idea that the fathers are just helpers and sidekicks rather than the ones who should also share primary duties. Thanks, patriarchy! But newsflash: it’s not the 1950s anymore, so it’s time to break free from antiquated societal thinking.
Lack of Support System
Many new moms have realized they don’t have a support system to ask for help (56% of mothers say they don’t have a non-family “village” to turn to for support!). As a result, moms are feeling the pressure to do literally everything themselves. Not just meeting their own needs but also for their families that were once shared by a collective. Past generations might have had family members or groups of supportive friends (even support from medical providers and teams). In recent years, moms are feeling more alone than ever, wondering who they can turn to for help.
Feelings of Guilt
Oh, hello guilt! Another emotion that plagues new moms flooding them with feelings of failure. Then comes the negative self-talk, telling yourself things like: “Asking for help means I’m weak” or “No one wants to help me.” Being in touch with your needs is actually a sign of strength. And people do want to help you, so don’t feel guilty about asking them! Why should we have to feel guilty when we need to ask for help? (we shouldn’t!).
How to Ask for Help (As a Mom Who Needs It!)
If you’ve struggled in the past asking for help, and if there’s one thing you take away today it’s not to wait! Why is asking for help important right now? Because you can’t do it all alone, mama! When you’re feeling overwhelmed, it's ok to ask for help. Asking for help is one of the simplest yet most challenging things you can do. So often, we THINK we’re communicating our need for help. In reality, we’re either lashing out or assuming others already know what we need help with.
Let’s say you see a mess of dishes in the sink after your spouse made lunch for the kids.
Before we get into how to ask for help, here’s how NOT to do it:
Expressing frustration: “You made a huge mess, and I’m not cleaning it up!”
Complaining: “You always leave the kitchen disorganized when you are in charge of lunch.”
Putting down: “You are so messy. Honestly. How did your mother not teach you to clean up?”
We think we’ll get the desired results from making it known we’re upset—but that’s rarely the case! This approach only leads to arguments and resentment rather than just addressing the underlying issue of needing more help.
Tips and Phrases to Use
I know how frustrating it can be to feel totally burnt out. But your emotions start to take over when you’re stressed and overwhelmed. The best way to ask for help is to do it in a way that will both reduce your mental burden and get you the help you need.
Use these tips when asking for help:
Use a calm tone of voice or ask over text message.
If you’re feeling angry, pause and walk away before asking.
Be clear and specific about the need you have.
Use I-statements to keep the focus on your needs.
Ask for that one need to be met (no need to explain why, the ask is enough!)
Here are some phrases to use when asking for help:
Could you do XYZ for me today?
I could really use a hand with this.
Could you help me figure this out?
Can you do me a favor?
I need you to take this off my plate this week.
Could you help me for a second?
Would you mind doing XYZ?
If you could XYZ, that would help so much!
Giving Thanks
Be sure to accept the help that’s given and always show gratitude when you receive the help. A little thank you goes a long way. When you show appreciation, you’re more likely to get help again! You’ll also want to let go of the perfectionism and know that done is often much better than done perfectly by you.
Remember the end goal, mama, to continue to get the support you need when you need it!
Finding Your Community When Help Is Needed
When you’re overwhelmed by motherhood and don’t know where to begin, sometimes you just need to ask for help. The demands of motherhood along with your list of personal and even professional responsibilities are too much for any one person to handle.
If you’re unsure of what to do next, know that it's ok to ask for help, and you’re a great mom either way! Our community at Nurturing the Sisterhood has valuable tips, resources, and support options to explore. Join us in honoring the realities of motherhood and overcoming them together!
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